WWE Raw thoughts, 2012-03-19

This was a surprisingly good raw, I thought. Maybe it's just because I'm trying to focus on the positive and Rise Above Hate.

The opening promo by Punk was probably his best promo as a face. I'm still not a fan of the storyline, but it was sold well by both guys. Jericho's line "But your sister..." was pretty awesome. What I found really interesting though was the juxtaposition of the Punk promo with the Rock video segment, because of a discussion I was having with someone earlier today about "vulgarity" in wrestling.

I've often criticized Rocky and other Attitude guys by roughly paraphrasing their promos as "I'm cool cause I said 'ass.' Tee-hee, get it? 'Ass!'" and he thought this was inconsistent with my amusement at this story, wherein John Cena's mother reacts to Rocky's singalong about her with the line, "If you're starving for sex that badly, then go fuck yourself!" Of course, what I'm criticizing about those Attitude-style promos isn't the use of naughty words, but the reliance on extremely tame not-quite-vulgar language as a crutch to distract from how bland and uninteresting the promo really is, just like storylines use SHOCKING SWERVEZ!! to substitute for genuinely interesting stories.

This was on full display on the show tonight. CM Punk used "vulgarity" in a very effective way to help sell the intensity of his feud and put over how pissed he is at Jericho. Then soon after that we had Rocky saying "ass," because saying "ass" makes 12-year-olds giggle. Language is a tool like any other, it can be used skillfully and effectively to build a storyline, or it can be used clumsily just to get a cheap reaction.

- Rocky wasn't on the show much tonight. Just the prerecorded video segment, only about 30 seconds in front of the live crowd, no live promo. Are they worried about the reaction he'd get from the Philly crowd? Or do they think his promos suck as much as I do? I can't imagine that's true.

- John Cena-Mark Henry was a very good match. Kind of short and formulaic, but well worked by both men. In my dream world Big Mark is still inducting fools into the Hall of Pain.

- Daniel Bryan-Zack Ryder was another short but good match. Bryan and AJ continue to be very entertaining together. The Ryder rally seems like a good use of the crowd that's already there waiting to get into the arena anyway.

- I'm assuming that they wouldn't put the Ryder stuff on TV if he wasn't going to end up on Teddadore's Army. So that leaves two more spots on the face team - who is left to fill them? Great Khali? Hornswoggle? Ezekiel Jackson? The Usos? I'm still hoping for Miz, personally.

- The Aksana-Vickie Guerrero brawl was pretty awesome. Good showing for both of them. Vickie is always great, until they try to change her role.

- The Randy Orton promo was a whole lot of nothing, but it was cool to see them resurrect the old interview position.

WWE Smackdown thoughts, 2012-03-16

I've got no internet so I'm typing this on my phone. Google's Android browser seems to hate Google's Blogger interface, so I'll keep this relatively short.

Very 'meh' night on Smackdown. Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho was fine, but nothing special. MOTN was probably Big Show squashing Drew McIntyre, face Big Show dominating people is fun and Drew sold it really well. Mark Henry squashing Yoshi Tatsu wasn't even substantive enough to be fun.

- Santino cowering in fear from Kofi's pyro was a great bit. The Rudos of Raw vs. Teddadore's Army is still my favorite feud going into Wrestlemania, though I remain unimpressed with Team Long so far. I like Kofi but he doesn't set my world on fire, and unless they're going to be having a Verbal Debate I could care less about R-Truth. (Man oh man, I would pay money to see an R-Truth vs. David Otunga verbal debate.) They have three more spots on Team Teddy, I hope they fill it out with some interesting folks, like Zack Ryder, Hornswoggle, the Funkasaurus, a surprise return, or a face-turn.

- The best character work going on right now in WWE is the Daniel Bryan-AJ storyline. It would be so easy to go overboard with something like this, and play Bryan as an over-the-top angry abusive piece of shit. Playing it more subtly like this is far more effective, IMO. Bryan was suuuuuuper creepy in that first promo segment. This storyline was the best thing on the show, until AJ and Nikki Bella tried to wrestle a match. OMG that match, I think they both botched about 90% of the moves they attempted. I don't remember AJ being that bad in the ring last summer when she was teaming with Kaitlyn and Natalya.

- They showed surprisingly little of the Rock-Cena stuff from Raw. I'm glad they did because I thought it was crap, but I wonder what their reason was for downplaying it like that?

WWE Raw thoughts, 2012-03-12

Sigh. After the first hour of tonight's show, I thought it was shaping up to be a really great episode. Oh how wrong I was. Tonight reinforced my feeling more than ever, I completely agree with what John Cena said a few weeks ago: The best part of this year's Wrestlemania will be when it's over and Rocky is gone again and John Cena and Raw can both go back to doing things that have a chance to be entertaining. Jesus I am so fucking sick of the Rock on my TV.

The ironic thing is, I was pleasantly surprised how well the Cena rap bit went. Cena dressed up as 2005 John Cena, right down to how he carried himself, was actually kinda cool. Finally, after a year of hyping the Rock, finally they did a nostalgia bit from a time I actually have some nostalgia for. The rap itself wasn't great, though I was, as I said, pleasantly surprised by how little misogyny and homophobia was used in the rap, especially compared to Cena's raps about Rocky last year. So, kudos to John Cena for that.

Then came Rocky's bit. Sometimes I think I go a bit overboard when I say that Rocky's entire act is nothing sexist and homophobic jokes, with a bit of "I'm cool because I said 'bitch.' Tee-hee, 'bitch.'" thrown in. But god damn if tonight didn't show me to be 100% fucking correct. Rocky is officially at the same level of disinterest as Randy Orton during his Three Years of Suck. I came closer to turning off Raw tonight than I ever have before, the only reason I didn't was because I thought there was a chance Cena would come out to interrupt at some point and I didn't want to miss that.

My main takeaway from all of this is that I think I may finally understand the Cena haters. The Rock has enlightened me, because I find myself kind of angry about how much I dislike Rocky. Like, I've been watching and enjoying this show for seven years, and now this guy has shown up out of nowhere and essentially taken over the show and fucking ruined it. I'm angry that he's taken something I used to enjoy and turned it into something I don't like at all. I'm angry that the man who ruined the show for me is hyped by the show itself and lauded by other viewers as exactly the opposite, that the things I enjoyed were supposedly shite and this new thing I can't stand is supposedly the best thing evar. And I imagine that's kind of how some people feel about John Cena.

- Let's get the rest of the bad out of the way so I can finish with the good stuff: Jericho cutting a looooong promo about Punk's alcoholic father and how he's going to make Punk an alcoholic? Not necessary. I hate when wrestling tries to do overly personal shit like this. Why can't they just fight over who's really the best wrestler in the world? That promo they had two weeks ago was so good, I was completely sold on the feud at that point. Now I'm just uncomfortable. I really think sometimes that WWE writers are so used to building to a PPV every three weeks, when it comes around to Wrestlemania and they have so much extra time they don't know how to stretch a feud that long. With the exception of Long-Laurinaitis, and Orton-Kane due to Orton's injury delaying the start of that feud, every feud running into Wrestlemania was at a better place two weeks ago than it is now. The writers just don't know when to quit.

- H-Taker II(I): I could not give less of a shit about this match.

- Sheamus-Dolph was a good little match, but by far the best thing about it was the interview with Daniel Bryan and AJ in the stands. They two of them continue to play their relationship so freaking well. The was AJ looked down and away after saying Bryan wasn't rude to her? Freaking perfect. These two work so well off of each other, kudos to whoever decided to pair them up. I'd love to see them as a face couple eventually. Yes that contradicts what I said last week about Kaitlyn running an intervention to get AJ away from this controlling, manipulative douchebag. I can desire to mutually exclusive things. I contain multitudes.

- Everything about the Teddy Long-John Laurinaitis feud is incredibly entertaining to me. Santino Marella is awesome at everything he does. Mark Henry is completely awesome at everything he does. David Otunga, I'm still more of a fan of him in a sweater vest with a sippy cup than I am of him in the ring, though I guess he has to make the transition at some point. Even Aksana I'm liking way more now as more of a traditional babyface/girlfriend character than six months of making Teddy Long jittery. And the way Johnny Ace sold that shove tonight, where he basically ended up ass-over-teakettle in Michael Cole's lap, that was outstanding. That deserves some kind of fucking award for heel stooging.

- The fact that they've made The Rudos of Raw vs. Teddadore's Army a 12-man match instead of a 6- or 8-man match just shows you how many guys they have no clue how to fit onto the card when three of the top four spots on the card are taken up by folks who aren't part of the main roster - four of the top six spots if you count Jericho. Plus, they're really short on faces to fill out a six-man team. The heel team is going to be five former world champions and David Otunga, while Santino will probably be the biggest star on the face team.

- Finally, the Funkasaurus is back! Oh how I've missed his funky visage. Though I preferred his old finisher, that flying crossbody was way swanker than just another big splash.

WWE Smackdown thoughts, 2012-03-09

Santino, Santino, Santino. Santino Marella is a revelation. His push the last month has been amazingly entertaining. He is the most entertaining part of WWE's most entertaining angle right now. And he's having good matches, his cage match with Jack Swagger was clearly MOTW this week, with Swagger playing an adequate straight-man to Santino's antics. I really, really hope they keep Santino near the top of the midcard for a while. I don't think it's out of the question for him to even move up the card, with good in-ring work and great character work, why not?

One other quick note on that cage match: Wow it looked like Vickie really nailed Swagger with that cage door. He managed to have his head in just the right spot to get brained by the steel bar on the edge of the door instead of the flexy chain-link mesh. You don't really see headshots like that in WWE anymore, thankfully, though Jack Swagger has a history on the receiving end of them.

- Teddy Long is still totally owning this GM storyline. Johnny Ace is a great stuffed shirt character, but I love T.Lo with a bit of attitude. He's also now undefeated in in-ring competition, having twice defeated the Raw GM: Eric Bischoff at Survivor Series 2005 and John Laurinaitis tonight.

- AJ is now my favorite participant in the Sheamus-Daniel Bryan feud. Her expressions during promos are fucking golden. Bryan's promos are still really good, but they're not as good as her reactions. The way she looked abashed and ashamed when Bryan told her to shut up was spot-on perfect. I really hope that when they eventually decide to break them up, they do a whole storyline where Kaitlyn does an intervention or something.

- Not my favorite part of the feud: New and improved Sheamus, now with more misogyny! Daniel Bryan is a pathetic little pipsqueak, BTW don't be a bully be a star! Oy tonight was not a good night for Sheamus.

- Mark Henry beat the hell out of Ezekiel Jackson. I'm a big fan of Mark Henry beating the hell out of people.

- Whatever they're doing with Drew McIntyre, I wish they'd do it already. I'm a fan of the guy, but this whole trying to save his job thing is getting old.

WWE Raw thoughts, 2012-03-05

It occurs to me that I haven't written anything on here since the Rock made his epic return last year, so let me sum up my thoughts on the recent wrestling career of Mr. Dwayne "Rocky Maivia" Johnson: Fuck the Rock. This is supposed to just be about last night's Raw, so I won't spend the entire post outlining how utterly boring and uninteresting Rocky is, or his overreliance on misogyny and homophobia, or how he ruined Wrestlemania last year. Maybe I'll delve into those subjects in later posts, but for now suffice it to say, Fuck the Rock.

Instead I'll begin by giving the man some unexpected kudos: He wasn't bad last night. Those first two video packages were pretty good - though I was accused of harboring an irrational hatred when I pointed out that even when Rocky was in the building live, he still appeared via prerecorded video packages. But dumping the Cena merch in the harbor was pretty funny. The time travel bit was good too. The third video was kind of a big mess of nothing, and the first two certainly weren't without their faults, but they were certainly Rock's best promo work since he was Eugene's friend. Good job, dude.

Then we get to the live promo. Which wasn't horrible, as I had previously theorized having someone else there to help direct traffic in the promo at least prevented him from spending twenty minutes talking about twitter. He came out, he had a message to deliver - he wanted to tell Cena his height and weight, apparently - and he delivered it. It was good because finally he wasn't being a goofball, finally he wasn't wasting time talking about genitals and farts and breakfast cereal and Chinese food - he was actually angry at Cena and he threatened to rip his throat out. His delivery still ranged from okay to holy shit bad, but there was finally content. He finally gave a promo that was part of a feud and not just a way to burn off TV time.

And then, of course, he has to say that he's going to make Cena his bitch. Really, Rock? One promo, Rock. One fucking promo. Can you get through one promo without calling someone a bitch? Just one? Zack Ryder may be hobbling around on a cane to sell his back injury, but Rocky is the one using a crutch.

Cena wasn't a whole hell of a lot better last night, the less said about that empty arena... thing, the better, and his increasingly tortured attempts to explain why he wants to fight the Rock are stupid. Cena was good in the back-and-forth, though.

Anyway, there were other things on the show:

- I already mentioned Ryder, so let's talk about him coming out to call Eve Torres a ho. Actually, let's not. I am so fucking tired of misogyny on WWE TV right now. But as soon as she sees him, Eve breaks down crying, then tearfully chases him down in the back and kisses him. So first she was Zack's girlfriend, then she wanted to just be friends, then she was manipulating him to get publicity for herself, then she was a liberated woman trying to make it in a man's world (which naturally made her the heel), and now she's tearfully chasing after him? This Eve Torres storyline changes more often than George Lucas's interpretations of the original Star Wars trilogy, every time you turn around there's something else it turns out the story was really about the whole time.

- Speaking of shite promos, R-Truth gives some of the best promos on television. That two seconds at the end of his in-box promo was the best thing on Raw this week.

- By far the best storyline going into Wrestlemania is this Teddy Long-John Laurinaitis feud. And really, the hottest superstar going into Wrestlemania this year is Santino Marella.

- I have two questions: Who assigned Shawn Michaels as the special guest referee for H-Taker II(I) and why did they do that? For a feud built on the guy who won the last match demanding redemption from the guy who lost, this is far from the most nonsensical part of the build, but that really did come out of nowhere.

- Other stuff happened, but I didn't really care about any of it.

WWE Smackdown thoughts, 2012-03-02

Two posts in a row?! I used to do this back when I posted here, here's some random thoughts about last night's episode of Smackdown:

- Dolph Ziggler bumps entertainingly, but nobody in WWE sells anything better than Mark Henry selling Big Show's knockout punch. Tat is a thing of freaking beauty.

- BTW, though neither of them is going to get into a big match at Wrestlemania, Henry and Big Show are still having the MOTW every week.

- I can't get over how awesome AJ has been in helping sell this Daniel Bryan storyline - her fear whenever Bryan talks about her being threatened, or whenever another wrestler so much as looks at her, is great. But even better is how the more douchey Bryan is in his promo, the more turned on AJ looks. I don't even watch Bryan during his promos anymore, I just watch AJ's changing expressions.

- The Sheamus promo to open the show was nothing. He should skip that whole mess and just beat people up.

- I am thrilled beyond thrilled that they seem to be doing Randy Orton vs. Kane at Wrestlemania. I was terrified that they were going to shoehorn Orton into the title match with Bryan and Sheamus. Plus Kane and Orton had an awesome match together on Smackdown last summer. Granted that was face Kane, generally face Kane is entertaining and heel Kane sucks. But maybe it'll be good, and at least Orton won't ruin the title match.

- I like how the show has to become more focused now that they're doing the hard sell on all the Wrestlemania storylines. And of course by "more focused" I mean no fucking DeBiase-Hunico match.

- I said this before, if this Laurinaitis-T.Lo thing does lead to an eight-man or ten-man tag at Mania, assuming Team Laurinaitis is the four guys who came out to support him on the PPV and Team Long is lead by Santino Marella, I hope they use these team names: Team Laurinaitis should use the group name Alberto Del Rio used back in the fall when he was rounding up people to beat up John Cena: The Rudos of Raw. And Team Long should use a group name based on what Santino calls him: Teddadore's Army.

WWE Smackdown 2010-05-14 - Not-Quite-Liveblog

I basically did this last week, except I didn't post it live. I'm about 20 minutes behind to start, I'll catch up as we get commercial breaks. Whenever I have a thought, I'll post it.

- Oh, great, we open with ANOTHER rerun of the Drew McIntyre - Matt Hardy beatdown. Was that only last week? Cause I've already seen this video package at least six times.

- Smackdown is in Buffalo, New York. I haven't had any buffalo wings in a while. Mmmmm, buffao wings.

- Christian and Kofi know each other's wrestling styles because they were both in the 27-man MITB clusterfuck? Great insight there, (whiever is yelling in the ear of) Todd.

- Scott Norwood callout by Striker. I guess I should have expected that. Have I mentioned that Matt Striker is the best thing on commentary since JBL?

- BTW, spellcheck of earlier thought:

• Kofi = Kori, Kodiak, Sofie, Sofia, Korrie.
• MITB = MITE, MITT, MITZI, MITTY.
• Clusterfuck = clustered, clusters, cluster, lackluster.
• Spellcheck = spell check, spell-check, spellbound, spellbinder, spelldown.
• Whiever = whoever. :)

- So does this count as an Intercontinental Title reign for Kofi?

- So I guess the whole "Teddy long on probation" thing is still going on, even if Vince can't be arsed to show up on Smackdown.

- Christian-Kofi was a good back-and-forth match, I thought. Somehow it just wasn't as good as it was trying to be.

- Shad Gaspard vs. Jesse Guyver? This should be just as good!

- Ah, they're rerunning the clip with Rey's family and Eddie Guerrero's son Dominic.

- And now rerunning Edge-Orton from RAW. Feels like that was six months ago because of how many times I've seen the clip.

- MVP-JTG? There-s so much going on in that team - the utter failure to do anything with MVP, the uselessness of breaking up Crime Time just to stick JTG in another team, the incongruity between MVP's life redemption background and JTG's role in a team called Crime Time. So much to unpack in that team.

- Wow, Trent Baretta and Caylen Croft still exist! And they're called the Dude Busters now. Lots of ECW folks showing up on TV lately.

- Ooohhhh! Our Savior is on! Everybody put your hands to the screen - ten minutes ago. Unless you're on DVR like me.

- These twenty-minute Swagger promos are interesting, not sure it's getting him more heat but he has the mic skills to pull off 20 minutes in the ring alone and still keep it interesting. Also like the tactic of taking a commercial break in the middle of the promo to make it seem even longer.

- Did I mention before that I have absolutely zero interest in heel authority figures? Plus, I thought she resigned as GM of Raw?

- I would be shocked if this was actually the first 2-on-1 Women's Title defense.

- I almost wish I wasn't spoiled on this match so I could experience the true shock and horror of Layla as Women's Champion. At least they mentioned her last name. She's also the second Diva Search winner to win a title.

- And now I'm caught up live.

- Rey Mysterio is wearing sleeves but no shirt.

- Rey-Punk was good again, but it's starting to get worn. I hope Judgement Day is their last match for a while.

WWE Smackdown livebloggish thoughts - 2010-05-07

I'm watching Smackdown (almost) live for the first time in a few months. After this awful week, particularly today, particularly today from 4:15 to 6:15, I could use some entertainment and some levity. Can Smackdown provide some? Let's find out...

- Geez, how often do they change the Smackdown theme music? About as often as I watch Smackdown, it seems.

- Matt Hardy shaved the sides of his head so he looks like RVD now. I wonder if that's intentional.

- "You heard what Teddy Long said!" Damned skippy! T.Lo is the man! "Josh, I gotta roll." Always the best, now the only, General Manager in WWE. What ever happened with the whole probation storyline? Did that just go away when Vince didn't feel like showing up on Smackdown anymore?

- Luke Gallows wrestles in camouflage pants and a tank top. Another who looks less like a wrestler than does any NXT rookie.

- So at whatever the hell they're calling Judgement Day now they're going to have the match I originally thought they were having at whatever the hell they're calling Backlash now: join the SES vs. shave Punk's head. I'm obviously rooting for Punk, but I'm not optimistic.

- Ever since he turned heel, every single time Punk talks, it's golden. Fucking awesome, every time.

- A Michelle McCool match. This makes me glad I'm not quite live yet - I can fast forward through this.

- Dolph Ziggler's face is the color of Sheamus. The rest of his body is the color of HHH. And my disinterest in Dolph is greater than the sum total of my disinterest in HHH and my disinterest in Sheamus.

- Holy shit! A Prince Nana call-out on Smackdown! And they didn't edit it out! I love Matt Striker on commentary, he's the best they've had since JBL. Like how he calls it the World's Heavyweight Championship like Gorilla Monsoon used to.

- Ziggler-Kofi was surprisingly entertaining, considering Dolph Ziggler was in the match.

- Now they re-run the video package they just ran an hour ago, which itself is just a re-run of the end of last week's Smackdown. People wonder, how can WWE put on five hours of television every week? Cause an hour or two of it is reruns and recaps.

- And now I'm caught up live, can't fast forward through the commercials.

- Cody Rhodes has another ridiculous fake tan. Christian too. What is it with wrestlers and comically awful tans? Trust me, that's not what made Hulk Hogan as popular as he was.

- It occurs to me that this is really more of a liveblog. If only I had posted it at 8:30 and updated it with each bullet. Oh, well. Maybe the next time I watch something live.

- Christian and Kofi are fighting for the Intercontinental Championship, meanwhile Jack Swagger is WHC. I'm really pulling for Big Show in that match, but again I'm not optimistic.

- Oh, Joy. Another video package. Followed by an ad for the Wrestlemania DVD, which is essentially another video package. Then after the commercial break, it's time to rerun the Drew McIntyre firing from the beginning of the show. It's video packages all the way down.

- "When I was taking on the world and winning, where was Big Show?" Um, back then, Big Show was WWE Champion. Don't think you've got him beat there, kid.

- Why are commentators always surprised when people come down to join them on commentary? You'd think the third chair and third headset would be a clue.

- I've always liked face Big Show. He's a very likable, charismatic guy, when they let him be. He was great on commentary tonight.

- I love how, after Big Show chokeslams Swagger through the table, the referee runs over, waving his arms for him to stop. One, Swagger is twice your size, and Big Show is twice his size, so WTF do you expect to do to stop them? Two, dude, Swagger is already lying insensate amid the ruins of a table, and Big Show is already walking away. You're just a bit late with your exhortation for them to stop fighting.

- God, that title looks so small when Big Show is holding it. I remember when Rey Mysterio wore that belt, it was basically full-torso body armor. When Big Show holds it it looks like a trinket.

All in all a good show, minus the reruns, video packages, and divas match. Maybe I'm being generous because the last wrestling shows I saw were Impact and NXT, but wev. I liked it. I'm glad I decided to watch Smackdown tonight, I needed some entertainment after today. Maybe I'll even watch it again next week.

WWE NXT thoughts - 2010-05-04

An obstacle course? Seriously? I've been saying since they started that these stupid "challenges" every week have basically turned NXT into the Diva Search. But look at what the "obstacles" are on the "obstacle course" -

• Monkey bars - This is actually one of the more sensible obstacles. Pretty standard obstacle course obstacle, though you'll have to explain to me what monkey bars ability has to do with with either wrestling or being a WWE performer (different skillsets that sometimes don't overlap as much as you'd hope).
• Climb a rope ladder and ring a bell - Rope ladders are also often an obstacle course standard, though this rope ladder looked particularly insubstantial, especially when a 260-pound man is trying to climb it.
• Run up the arena steps - Okay, run up stairs, pretty normal.
• Drink a soda - Um, what? This is officially the dumbest thing they've asked the rookies to do, surpassing the American Gladiators q-tip fighting and hawking programs in the stands. Making the wrestlers drink a soda quickly is not a skill they need to wrestle well, not a skill they need to do all the other things involved in being a WWE performer, and is incredibly boring to watch. The only saving grace here was the absurdity of having Referee Charles Robinson there to officiate the wrestlers trying to chug a soda, but that wasn't enough to make this entertaining.
• Run down the arena steps - Not quite the challenge of running up the steps, but okay, they have to get back down to the ring somehow.
• Juggle for five seconds - What? Aside from all previous arguments about what any of this has to do with being a WWE performer, the obstacle course is a race. You're trying to finish it quickly. You're trying to beat the times of the other competitors. How exactly do you juggle for five seconds in less time than someone else? This was completely nonsensical, almost enough to be dumber than the drinking, but I still call that one dumber because at least the juggling only lasted for five seconds.
• Spin around a bat - Um, what? I don't get what this has to do with anything, plus some people spun more times than others.
• Push an equipment cart up the ramp - This only makes sense by comparison when it immediately follows the drink, juggling, and bat.

So there you go, an obstacle course, only half of which is comically nonsensical. And we had to watch this obstacle course eight times. They got rid of a show with Christian, William Regal, and Yoshi Tatsu and replaced it with this.

- I really don't get what they're doing with Bryan Danielson. Well, I get it, but I don't get it. They've turned him into Colin Delaney. They can't have him win NXT if he's 0-20. Well, they can do whatever they want, but I think this whole "Daniel Bryan losing streak" was a much better idea in people's heads that it's turning into in reality. I just hope when they finally give him a win it's not some weak rollup against The Miz.

- I actually kind of like Michael Tarver's character. I know we'll probably never see him on TV again after next week, but he does unwarranted arrogance well. I also liked how, at the end of his match with Daniel Bryan, when he finally won a match, he looked completely dumbfounded for a few seconds. Like he had no idea what the hell had just happened, he was so unfamiliar with winning matches. And his [nXt] t-shirt: Genius.

- All of a sudden out of the blue Justin Gabriel has a beef with David Otunga. um, okay. This show really is incredibly random.

- I'll say this for the NXT Rookies: They all wrestle in wrestling tights. So they start off looking more like real wrestlers than people like John Cena, Rey Mysterio, Shawn Michaels, K-Kwik, Johnny Nitro, Great Khali, Carlito & Primo, etc. None of them even wear long tights. I'm old-school, I appreciate people who wrestle in wrestling tights.

2Scott2Review: WWE Extreme Rules 2010

The internet seems to be generally underwhelmed by Extreme Rules, and I don’t understand why – I thought it was a good show, a nice rebound from a decidedly lackluster Wrestlemania. So, in an effort to correct this imbalance, I’ve decided that what the internet needs is my review of Extreme Rules. I’ve got a beverage, I’ve got some snacks, I’ve got Extreme Rules on the dish divver, and apparently I’ve got nothing better to do, so let’s do this.

The show opens with the WWE show opener, now safely sans-Hulk Hogan and sans-Ric Flair, followed by a video package hyping the show. I’m not sure how necessary this is, given that literally every single person watching at this point has either already bought the show or already gone out to a bar/restaurant to see the show, but WWE loves to get maximum use out of their video packages. I take the opportunity to enjoy some snacks.

Three minutes into the show we go inside the arena. HHH’s music hits but he doesn’t show. We then go backstage, where H and Sheamus brawl for a while, before Sheamus bashes H several times with a pipe. This angle was supposed to be done on Raw the previous Monday, but was derailed because Sheamus got stuck in Europe. I think it actually works better here, with H’s injury more proximate to the match. H is examined by trainers, and meanwhile ShoMiz comes out to the ring.

I’m a Miz fan. Ever since 2007 on ECW, he’s been entertaining as hell, and him with three belts is an amazing sight. Big Show with two belts looks like a normal man with one belt; Miz with three belts looks like most other wrestlers would look with eight belts. Miz says that they’re the greatest tag team in history, which was previously the gimmick of Jericho and Big Show, and also of Miz and Morrison, so it’s natural that Miz and Big Show make the claim. Miz puts over how Bret Hart is now obligated to announce live on Raw that they’re the greatest team in WWE history, another angle that got reshuffled because the roster got stuck in Europe.

Eventually Teddy Long comes out, and he and Miz go back and forth in a pretty good promo that would have been better if they hadn’t tried to talk over each other so much. Eventually we end up with ShoMiz facing a three-team gauntlet match – gauntlet match, that’s extreme! – where any team that beats them gets a tag-title shot on Raw the next night.

Wait a minute, a PPV match against the champions, for a No. 1 contender’s slot in a match on Raw? What is this, 1998? How’s this for a novel concept: If you beat the champions on PPV, you win the titles. Why not just have the gauntlet match be for the titles, or have the title match later in the night? Maybe this is another angle that got reshuffled and the gauntlet match was originally supposed to be on Raw last Monday, but the way this happened was just weird. Plus it completely telegraphed the ending – make the arrogant heel champs defend their titles in a gauntlet match and the result could go either way – maybe their arrogance is their undoing, maybe they connive and cheat and end up beating all comers and earning mega-heat from the crowd. But making the match for a No. 1 contender’s slot is basically a way of saying, “Go get a drink, the only thing you care about in the next fifteen minutes is the identity of Team #3.”

Team #1 is K-Kwik and Johnny Nitro. As usual, Backlash begins with a Wrestlemania rematch. This match is okay, but doesn’t last long. The match ends when Morrison refuses to release a headscissors on Big Show while hanging outside the ring and gets disqualified. Yes, the first match at Extreme Rules ends with a DQ.

Team #2 is MVP and Mark Henry. Henry, after a Decade of Dullness, finally blossomed as ECW Champion, and seemed poised for big things when he moved to Raw last year. Then, WWE Creative did nothing with him for six months, before sticking him in a team with MVP, another person who a lot of people expected a lot from before Creative lost his number. Now they get to job to the Tag Team Champs every so often, sometimes on PPV.

This match had a good storyline, where Big Show is on the floor recovering from John Morrison’s hold, leaving Miz on his own to fight off two men. Miz takes a lot of punishment. Big Show eventually recovers, but is dumped outside on the floor again when he comes in to break up a pin, allowing MVP to hit his finisher on Miz. At this point, I have to assume the ref blows his spot, because rather than continue tending to a disabled Mark Henry, he runs over to the other competitors where he watches clear as day as Big Show reaches through the ropes and knocks out MVP. Rather than calling for another DQ, the ref shoos Big Show as if he never saw the punch, then counts the pinfall when Miz covers MVP. The announcers even try to cover for him, saying “I’m not sure the referee saw that.” Good match in terms of storytelling, marred by the ref’s fuckup on the ending.

So now Show has been choked out by Morrison, dumped outside again, and Miz was just hit with MVP’s finisher, and here to pick the bones are the Hart Dynasty, TJ Wilson and Harry Smith. Two months ago their main schtick was to talk about how they were so much better than losers like Bret Hart and Davey Boy Smith; now they’re accompanied to the ring by Bret Hart with nary a word said. Sometimes it’s weird to watch wrestling with a memory.

The NuHarts knock Big Show off the apron, hit a springboard Hart Attack on Miz, and they’re the No. 1 contenders. This “match” was so short that I actually did a full blow-by-blow recap, and I did it in one sentence. Exciting if you’ve been waiting months to see the NuHarts finally triumph over ShoMiz, otherwise meh.

Next we have a backstage segment where Todd Grisham reports that HHH is injured, and Sheamus looks threatening. Some good heel spinning by Sheamus, where he talks about “If HHH is too scared to fight me,” while holding the pipe he just used to incapacitate him.

Next match is Punk-Mysterio, our second Wrestlemania rematch of the night. This match was one of the reasons why I bought this show, and it doesn’t disappoint. Punk-Mysterio was the second-best match at Wrestlemania, it’s only real drawback being that it was far too short. This match fixes that. Punk and Mysterio have a very, very good match here. Ironically, it’s during the wide shot before Rey’s entrance where you can best see that the Extreme Rules stage is a giant straight-edge X symbol.

Just as the bell is ringing, we get one of my favorite parts of the show. Michael Cole mentions how the wrestlers were stuck in Europe as a segue to thanking fans who bought the show in Europe. He says “They’re watching all over Europe tonight in places like the United Kingdom on Sky Sports, Canada, uh, of course Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, uh, all the other places around the world here tonight watching Extreme Rules, live.” So to recap, here’s Michael Cole’s list of places all over Europe:

• The United Kingdom
• Canada
• Uh
• Of course, Australia
• New Zealand
• Fiji
• Uh
• All the other places around the world

Michael Cole, thankfully not a geography teacher.

The only “extreme” stipulation here is that if Punk loses, he gets his head shaved. Punk and Mysterio trade short control segments, while Matt Striker tries to explain/sell Straight Edge to Cole and King. “It makes you feel wonderful when you’re pure, Jerry.” Punk’s facial expressions and body language as a heel are just awesome. His frustration whenever Mysterio kicks out, his selling of Mysterio’s offense, are incredible. About half-way through the match, Serena and Fake Kane interfere one time too many, and they get ejected from ringside. Finally, Mysterio hits a 619, but before he can get off the apron he is assaulted by a hooded Straight-Edge Society member from under the ring. Punk hits the GTS on an insensate Mysterio and gets the win.

There are conflicting reports as to the identity of the hooded Straight-Edge Society member, who reappeared on both Raw and Smackdown this week. Early reports, from people familiar with WWE storylines and plans said it was Joey Mercury, who has long been rumored to rejoin WWE as a part of the SES storyline. Later reports, from people in attendance at Extreme Rules who actually saw the guy, say it was FCW champion Alex Riley. Joey Mercury later made his re-debut in WWE in a dark match before this week’s Smackdown taping.

After an ad for Raw the next night and a shot of National Guard servicemembers in attendance, we move on to the Crime Time break-up match, Shad Gaspard vs. JTG in a strap match. I had no expectations for this match, as I’m not sure there was ever a Crime Time match I was a big fan of, but this was surprisingly good. Relatively short, but this was a pretty full show, and when you’ve got Punk-Mysterio, Edge-Jericho, Cena-Batista, another world title match, and a HHH match on the card, not to mention Randy Orton’s entrance and time to replay all those video packages before every match, Shad-JTG is not going to get a lot of time. If there was an Undertaker entrance to fit into the show, this match would have been bumped entirely.

Watching the match for a second time, the crowd is totally dead, they couldn’t care less, but I still find the match entertaining. There’s some vicious beating from Shad, and some fun use of the strap by both men. It’s not a five-star classic, but it’s better than any previous match I can remember involving either of there two.

Shad comes out first, wearing tights, which looks weird at first. JTG comes out next, and he kept the gimmick in the split-up. Shad I guess got the time-share in the Hamptons. Toward the beginning of the match, Matt Striker asks King about the strategy of a strap match, based on his years of experience in every type of match, and King doesn’t know how to respond.

JTG wins by secretly touching three turnbuckles behind Shad’s back, then hitting his finisher before Shad can touch the fourth. Not the most imaginative ending, but how many ways are there to touch four turnbuckles?

Up next is an ad for the KFC Double Down, which I paid PPV money to watch. In case anyone is wondering, the Double Down isn’t very good. Next, Todd Grisham says HHH has nerve damage, and won’t be able to fight Sheamus.

The next match is Randy Orton challenging World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger in an extreme rules match. First we need a five-minute video package to explain why we should care about this match, as if “Randy Orton challenging World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger” didn’t already accomplish that.

Matt Striker mentions on commentary that Randy Orton has had six world title reigns in his career so far. That’s the number that Steve Austin had in his entire career. Cole mentions that “everyone who’s ever cashed in Money in the Bank” has done so against an incapacitated opponent, confirming that TNA champion Rob Van Dam no longer exists in history. Sometimes it’s weird watching wrestling with a memory.

This match is fairly slow and plodding for a while, typical of an Orton match. Shortly after it starts to pick up a bit, Swagger takes a pair of headshots from a garbage can that are frankly hard to watch. I just saw Jack Swagger lose about 50 IQ points, while Striker excitedly yells, “Ooooohhhhh, brain pudding!” If in 10 or 20 or 30 years Jack Swagger can’t speak straight, or is in a wheelchair, or has Parkinson’s symptoms, or goes crazy and kills his family and texts his neighbor that the dogs are in the enclosed pool area before hanging himself from a weight machine, I’m going to remember this match. Those headshots are that brutal.

Orton jobs clean to Swagger after a gutwrench powerbomb, but gives him an RKO after the match. Sheamus comes out while Orton is making his way up the ramp, as if he was going to confront Orton over how he jobbed clean to Swagger but didn’t do that for Sheamus at the Royal Rumble. Instead Sheamus goes to the ring and demands that either HHH come out to fight him or the ref declare him the winner by forfeit. Backstage, Todd Grisham tells us that HHH will not be able to compete tonight, but is interrupted by H leaving the trainer’s room on his way to the ring to compete. Shocking, I know.

The storyline for our third Wrestlemania rematch of the night is that H has “nerve damage” in his left arm, which means that he holds that arm still, whenever he’s not using it like normal. The announcers can’t decide whether the nerve damage is causing HHH great pain, or numbness. H has no problem lifting Sheamus for a spinebuster, but then can’t lift him for a pedigree.

This match is a street fight, which is totally different from the previous match, which was extreme rules. I personally think it would have been better as a no holds barred match, or maybe just no disqualification.

Sheamus controls most of the match, taking advantage of H’s injury, and eventually kicks him in the head so much that H can’t fight back and Sheamus gets the pin. There is very little back-and-forth as H sells the injury. The match never really gets into a rhythm – whenever Sheamus beats on HHH, he steps back to admire his work, and whenever H beats on Sheamus, he stops to sell the injury. Very slow, very methodical. Not exactly boring, but neither is it entertaining. Maybe a big HHH fan would hang on his comeback segments and get sucked into the storyline of the match, but it left me cold.

After the match, trainers come put to help HHH to the back, and just when I was thinking, “Come on, Sheamus has to come back out and kick him again before the get to the back!” Sheamus came back out and kicked him again. Supposedly H is going to be off TV for a while now.

After about a hundred replays of that last kick to the head; a segment of trainers loading H onto a stretcher that lasts longer than any of the tag matches that opened the show; an ad for Judgement Day, which is now called Over the Limit; a plug for the band; and a backstage interview with Edge, it’s now time for Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool in an Extreme Makeover Match for the Women’s Championship. An “Extreme Makeover” match means there’s a table of cosmetics at ringside. The only real reaction I have to this match is that I’m disappointed that Mickie James was released.

This match is pretty standard “garbage wrestling,” with the competitors hitting each other with weapons rather than trying to wrestle. In this case the weapons include a broom, a mop and bucket, ironing boards, and the aforementioned table of cosmetics. And that phrase “rather than trying to wrestle” makes it at least marginally better than most Michelle McCool matches. In fact, of all the matches at Extreme Rules, this is the one with the most weapons use. It’s basically weapons, weapons, weapons, weapons, Beth Phoenix reverses the Styles clash into her front slam, pin.

Next up, after an ad for the Wrestlemania DVD and a backstage interview with Chris Jericho, is the Edge-Jericho cage match, the fourth Wrestlemania rematch of the night. Watching this match live, I was bored to tears. It was slow, plodding, uneventful, and unending – it seemed to go on forever. Watching it a second time, early on the story is good – Jericho refuses to enter the cage until Edge beats him up outside and throws him in, then Jericho tries to climb up over the top whenever Edge isn’t holding him down. But after a couple of escape attempts, we get to the slow, plodding part. Edge hits Jericho, then both men sell for a minute. Then Jericho hits Edge, followed by both men selling. It’s supposed to raise tension, but instead it just bores me. They haven’t done enough to get me emotionally invested in this match before skipping right to the both-men-play-dead part. Also, the announcers keep trying to put over Edge’s achilles injury, but after the H match it just feels old.

At one point, after refusing to enter the cage, after trying to climb out four or five times, just a minute after trying to claw and scratch and squirm his way through the door, Jericho incapacitates Edge and actually leaves the cage through the door. He walks down the steps, but before actually stepping off the steps onto the floor he decides to go back into the cage and beat on Edge some more, which is so completely opposite from the entire psychology of everything Jericho has been doing up until that point that it turns the whole thing into kind of a farce. Two minutes later he’s back to trying his damnedest to escape.

Just when you think the match is going to pick up a bit with Edge’s comeback segment, it turns into a long drawn out Edge-tortures-Jericho segment, where Edge hits Jericho in the leg and then taunts him for two minutes before hitting him again. Finally Edge hits a spear and this match mercifully ends.

Don’t try this at home, watch the draft tomorrow, hey we’re in Baltimore, Cole plugs Over the Limit, and a video package replay cause apparently they have time to kill?, and it’s time for the main event, our fifth and final Wrestlemania rematch of the night, Cena-Batista Last Man Standing. This I thought was a great match, the best of the night. One of the better LMS matches I remember.

At the start, it takes until after the entrances and ring introductions and opening bell before the crowd remembers they’re not supposed to like Cena, so they chant “Cena sucks,” for about 15 seconds. It’s almost funny.

Cole mentions early on that Batista is a six-time world champion, and Cena is a nine-time world champion. Steve Austin was a six-time world champion in his career, and The Rock was a nine-time world champion. Cena and Batista are now the equals of the biggest stars of the Attitude Era, at least in terms of title reigns, and Cena at least seems set to far surpass them. As mentioned before, Randy Orton is also a six-time champion, with many more to come. Chris Jericho is also a six-time champion. Edge is a nine-time champion. And of course there’s HHH, the thirteen-time champion. That’s three Steve Austins, two Rocks, and a Hulk Hogan, all still adding to their lists of titles.

This match is a bit slow to start due to the match type – there’s a lot of Batista waiting while the referee counts, which at least makes more sense than the waiting for no reason in other matches. It doesn’t feel as slow as Edge-Jericho because at least there’s something happening, the referee’s counting. After a few minutes they get into more of an even back-and-forth fight, and then they go for some weapons. One guy lets out a single lonely “holy shit” chant attempt when Batista Irish whips Cena through a barricade. At one point, Batista is dismantling the announce table, and Striker starts saying, “This is the Batista I like! This intensity!” Batista stares for a moment, then throws a TV monitor at him.

At a certain point in the match, about the time of the F-U through the announce table I’d say, though possibly as early as the Irish-whip through the barricade, you think each move is the end, yet the competitors keep getting up. There’s a good four or five moves in a row that you think is the end, except the match just keeps going. Very well done by both men. The eventual ending has gotten a lot of flak, but I thought it showed ingenuity, and allowed the face to taunt his helpless opponent, which is always a good spot. It at least has the virtue of being unique. I just wish the tape hadn’t broken so much, the application ended up looking a bit clumsy.

All in all, a good to very good show. Match by match:

• ShoMiz vs R-Truth and John Morrison in one-third of a Gauntlet Match – Some decent action, but too short to be anything much.
• ShoMiz vs. Mark Henry and MVP in one-third of a Gauntlet Match – Good storyline, huge ref blunder, again very short.
• ShoMiz vs. The Hart Dynasty in one-third of a Gauntlet Match – Literally two moves.
• CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio in a Wrestling Match – Very good match, these two work very well together.
• Shad Gaspard vs. JTG in a Strap Match – Surprisingly good. Short, but entertaining.
• Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger in an Extreme Rules Match – Slow to start, picks up towards the end, but my main takeaway from this match is, Jack Swagger, protect your head!
• HHH vs. Sheamus in a Street Fight – Kind of slow, the whole injury storyline didn’t work any better than it ever does, the main highlight is how many times HHH gets kicked in the head at the end.
• Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool in an Extreme Makeover Match – Better than most Michelle McCool matches, but that’s not really saying much. Nothing to this match other than the weapons, but at least it’s something. With Mickie James out of work and Natalya not wrestling, WWE literally doesn’t have enough women who can wrestle to put together a one-on-one match. So we get this match, literally Beth Phoenix wrestling with a broomstick.
• Edge vs. Chris Jericho in a Steel Cage Match – Very slow, very long, intermittently nonsensical. My least favorite of the night.
• Cena vs. Batista in a Last Man Standing Match – Very very good, best match of the night. Good action, big spots, innovative ending.

All in all a good show, and a full show – eight matches, even counting the tag team gauntlet as one match, and the last match ended literally two minutes before the three-hour mark. I highly recommend seeing it if you can.

Survivor Series 2009

Decent show. Liked Kofi going over, liked Beth Phoenix dominating for her segment. I have no interest in Undertaker, but I realize I'm in the minority there. The way Michaels just superkicked the crap out of H right to start was great, as was Cena's reaction.

Can you tell I really don't have anything to say but I wanted to put up another post to test the layout?