Instead I'll begin by giving the man some unexpected kudos: He wasn't bad last night. Those first two video packages were pretty good - though I was accused of harboring an irrational hatred when I pointed out that even when Rocky was in the building live, he still appeared via prerecorded video packages. But dumping the Cena merch in the harbor was pretty funny. The time travel bit was good too. The third video was kind of a big mess of nothing, and the first two certainly weren't without their faults, but they were certainly Rock's best promo work since he was Eugene's friend. Good job, dude.
Then we get to the live promo. Which wasn't horrible, as I had previously theorized having someone else there to help direct traffic in the promo at least prevented him from spending twenty minutes talking about twitter. He came out, he had a message to deliver - he wanted to tell Cena his height and weight, apparently - and he delivered it. It was good because finally he wasn't being a goofball, finally he wasn't wasting time talking about genitals and farts and breakfast cereal and Chinese food - he was actually angry at Cena and he threatened to rip his throat out. His delivery still ranged from okay to holy shit bad, but there was finally content. He finally gave a promo that was part of a feud and not just a way to burn off TV time.
And then, of course, he has to say that he's going to make Cena his bitch. Really, Rock? One promo, Rock. One fucking promo. Can you get through one promo without calling someone a bitch? Just one? Zack Ryder may be hobbling around on a cane to sell his back injury, but Rocky is the one using a crutch.
Cena wasn't a whole hell of a lot better last night, the less said about that empty arena... thing, the better, and his increasingly tortured attempts to explain why he wants to fight the Rock are stupid. Cena was good in the back-and-forth, though.
Anyway, there were other things on the show:
- I already mentioned Ryder, so let's talk about him coming out to call Eve Torres a ho. Actually, let's not. I am so fucking tired of misogyny on WWE TV right now. But as soon as she sees him, Eve breaks down crying, then tearfully chases him down in the back and kisses him. So first she was Zack's girlfriend, then she wanted to just be friends, then she was manipulating him to get publicity for herself, then she was a liberated woman trying to make it in a man's world (which naturally made her the heel), and now she's tearfully chasing after him? This Eve Torres storyline changes more often than George Lucas's interpretations of the original Star Wars trilogy, every time you turn around there's something else it turns out the story was really about the whole time.
- Speaking of shite promos, R-Truth gives some of the best promos on television. That two seconds at the end of his in-box promo was the best thing on Raw this week.
- By far the best storyline going into Wrestlemania is this Teddy Long-John Laurinaitis feud. And really, the hottest superstar going into Wrestlemania this year is Santino Marella.
- I have two questions: Who assigned Shawn Michaels as the special guest referee for H-Taker II(I) and why did they do that? For a feud built on the guy who won the last match demanding redemption from the guy who lost, this is far from the most nonsensical part of the build, but that really did come out of nowhere.
- Other stuff happened, but I didn't really care about any of it.
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